Surviving Widowhood

I am never again reading a sad post about death or widowhood.  I have several widows I follow on Instagram, and I sense a common thread...they all post about how we widows never get over the death of a spouse, and how we will be sad for the remainder of our lives.

Well...NO!  I refuse to accept that. I am NOT going to live  the rest of my days pining for a life I no longer have. That’s not mentally, emotionally or spiritually healthy. I’m not even sure it’s physically healthy.

I’m not saying for us widows to forget our spouses and not mourn their passing. Of course we mourn. Of course it’s devastating. Of course we don’t forget.  I am in no way whatsoever minimizing grief or the grieving process. It’s a continual process we widows undergo for the rest of our lives. But the belief that we somehow stop living just because we are widows goes against every fiber of my being. I am not “less than” because my husband died. I am actually “more than” because My relationship with Jesus changed. Isaiah 54:5 says “For your Maker is your husband...” And because of this, I refuse to believe I am somehow marginalized because my husband died. I am still “enough”, and my life can and will be productive again. I am not dead.

I saw a little sign in a boutique that read something like “Every time you see a red bird, your loved one is visiting you from heaven.” This made me mad and here’s why: 1) First of all, if my late husband were somehow allowed to contact me, I doubt that’s the form he would take. More likely, if he had the choice, he would pick the form of a football player or a nascar driver. I’m just keeping it real here. For me to believe he would somehow zap his spirit into a cardinal goes against everything I know to be true about Greg Jackson.  2) Secondly, while it may be comforting for us to think about our loved ones watching over us, they are NOT our guardian angels. Angels are beings that were created by God a millennium ago, and they are not spirits of our dearly departed. Sorry if this is contrary to anyone’s belief system, but it’s the truth. Now, having said that, I DO believe that our loved ones may possibly have occasion to look into our lives and see us, especially if it’s an extraordinary set of circumstances.  The fact is this: Our spouses are gone from this earth. They are in a far better place than we are. Why would they want to return? 3) Signs like this red bird thing perpetuate the victim mentality, and actually make it more difficult to move forward with our lives if we hold on to that way of thinking. When I first lost my husband, I was so grief-stricken, exhausted and just plain lost, I could barely function. People would sympathize, soothe me with comforting words, and look at me with pity. Those comforts were vital to my recovery...for a while. BUT...at some point, and here’s where it gets tricky, there is a fine line between sympathy and enabling. At some point, if we want to lead full, productive lives, we have to wipe the tears from our eyes, set our faces like flint and let God lead us out of the valley of the shadow of death. I am speaking from experience:  The warm, fuzzy feeling when we get sympathy is addicting. It can become almost like a drug. We become dependent on it. And we are not even aware of it. If you have read things like this red bird thing, and it brings comfort to you as a widow or widower, that’s fine. Take it. But for goodness sakes, just know that your loved one is not , nor ever will be, a bird. I think the reason this upset me so much is that people believe these kinds of things and take comfort from something that’s just not real. Our comfort comes from God alone in these troubled times, not channeling Woody Woodpecker, Robin Red Breast, or any other feathered creature. I mean, if I’m gonna imagine Greg coming back as any sort of animal, it would be a sea turtle—those things live forever, and I’d never have to worry about burying a husband again since those things live to be 120 years old. This is a very real concern once you’ve lived through the death of a spouse once already. Somehow, though, I don’t think a sea turtle would pull on our heart strings as much as a cardinal...which is precisely the point. These things are marketed to the grieving because we are seeking anything to help us through the darkest hours of our lives.

I am not writing these things to be harsh, dear brothers and sisters. I am writing these things to help with the grieving process. Widows often feel guilty for moving on with their lives because they are made to feel they’re forgetting their late husbands if they laugh or go out somewhere enjoyable. Well-meaning friends and family members may not understand your emotions, but they can be very quick to criticize if they feel you’re making progress toward wellness or you just seem a little “too happy.” These types of people are the ones to avoid. Only you know how slowly or how quickly you need to move. It’s between you and God. Don’t let anyone set a timeline for you in your grieving process. No one has earned that right except YOU!

I know some of you struggle with grief recovery. I hope this helps. These are feelings I have had over the last five years since Greg passed away. My experience is not your experience. And it doesn’t have to be. Your experience may (and quite possibly WILL) be different. And that’s as it should be.